In winter, would you rather wear jackets or hoodies?
Old suit jackets I bought for $3 at Goodwill, for the following reason: awesome

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
I’d rather be in New York City, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Miami, Seattle, Chicago, Atlanta, Outer Space, or The Fifth Dimension, in no particular order.

How long can you go without your mobile phone?
The talk function? Forever. The IM function? For 0 seconds.

Who did you last call babe/baby?
Baby Yoshi. Pfft, obviosly. What kind of a question is that?

What time did you go to sleep last night?
The time when people presumably like calling the POTUS with national emergencies, according to that old Hillary Clinton ad….

What/who woke you up today?
Sunlight? That’s not nearly interesting enough, so I’ll make something up: An army of giant robots farting sonic booms in the sky woke me up. It was annoying.

Do you own a polo shirt?
Yeah, one with Trogdor on it. Do I wear it? No. Will I wear it after I’ve lost 20 lbs? Yes.

How old do you look?
I dunno, you tell me.

Where are your siblings?
Somewhere on Planet Earth, presumably.

What are you going to do after this?
Either something amazingly awesome comes up, or I’ll just mow my lawn with the new weed whacker I got (that’s exciting, for yuppies).

Whose car were you in last?
Mine. And, yes, God was my co-pilot. He’s way better at giving directions than TomTom, too.

What was the last thing you drank?
Green tea with a microphone drawn on the outside of the cup.

Would you marry the last person you kissed?
I can’t remember who that is, so I cannot comment on whether or not I consider this person to be marriage material. I can, however (at your request) furnish you with a list of people who are.

Your ex shows up randomly at your house, what do you say?
“GTFO I’m playing video games!”

If it was free and it would work would you get plastic surgery?
Haven’t you heard? Plastic is bad for the environment, or something. I think God gets pissed if you use too much of it. That’s why he periodically makes breast implants explode. Also, because he’s got a great sense of humor, and exploding breast implants are hilarious. And deadly. But, more hilarious than deadly. Even though they’re very deadly.

If you were to die today would your life be complete?
Seeing as it would have come to an end, then, yes, temporally, it would be complete. Oh, are you talking about accomplishing goals and shit like that? Then WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING SAY SO?

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
I believe everyone deserves a second chance at sucking. Cos it’s hilarious.

How do you handle stress?
I punch it in the face. Because I’m awesome.

Would you rather spend a whole day with your mom or your dad?
They’re both there at the same time anyway.

When was the last time you ran into your most recent ex?
Like, literally? That’s stupid. Why would I do that?

Do you think you’re approachable?
I go out of my way to be an asshole.

What is the last concert you went to?
I think it as Mindless Self-Indulgence. Also, I’ve got to pee now.

The last person you argued with?
The robot voice in my head.

Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Did you know that leaving the A/C on all day during hot weather is much less damaging to the environment than heating your home in a very cold climate? Also, did you know that cold climates are miserable, where warm climates such as Florida are filled with beaches and celebrities and Lamborghinis? Yes, I prefer warm weather.

Is any part of your body sore?
How about hair folicles?

Do you commit to anything?
I commit to awesomeness, every day.

The funniest person you know?
It’s pretty much a toss-up between me and everyone I know, because I try to associate with only the funniest, awesomest people ever.

Do you like change?
When changing out corrupt politicians who are a disgrace to our country for hopeful young idealists, yes.

Do you get offended easily?
If I did, I’d be offended by myself, and that would be awkward.

Do you have a piggy bank?
Yes, it’s called Bank of America. They’re the biggest pig in the fucking world.

Have you ever punched a girl?
I’m not a redneck.

Slept in a different bed lately?
Nope. Maybe later?

Where is your mother right now?
Home?

What was your childhood nickname?
Oh, just some unpronouncable symbol.

If you could pack up and leave your life now to move away, would you?
Yes! But only if someone awesome packed up and left with me!

Can you take a bra off with one hand?
Practice makes perfect.

Do you still talk to the first person you kissed?
How am I going to remember who the hell that is? I don’t have space for useless information like that in my brain; need more room for sweet trivia!

Do people underestimate you?
Probably. Then they regret it.

Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
It’s kind of impossible.

Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow?
I dunno, a cape?

Can you make yourself cry?
See answer for question two spots above.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Fuck yeah! First I’d travel forward in time and pick up some kickass cyborgs, then bring them to prehistoric time and watch them fight the dinosaurs. Then, I’d go back to 2008 and see how the existence of prehistoric cyborgs has changed history. Probably for the better.

Have you ever been too drunk to remember anything?
No way! I don’t want to be taken advantage of :-o

Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
Does ANYONE know anyone who lives in Wyoming?

Have you ever been white water rafting?
Has ANYONE ever been white water rafting? OK, that doesn’t work so well for this question. Anyway, no, but I have been on a Slip N Slide before. Partial credit?

Do you think you would make a good parent?
OMG the best EVER! First, however, I need a couple years of “yuppie couple in swanky modern apartment in hip urban environment” lifestyle… anyone care to join me? I just need to pay off some debt and then incur some more at IKEA and I’m kind of set.

What is your current place of employment?
It’s a matter of galactic security, sorry :(

Have you ever liked someone who treated you like crap?
In jest? Always. For real? No.

Has anyone ever borrowed something from you and never returned it?
Actually, I lent my lawn mower to Jesus Christ once, and he still hasn’t returned it. He keeps using the excuse that if he comes back to Earth to give it back, it will be the second coming and herald the end of days and it’s not the right time yet, or some BS like that. What, he can turn water into wine, but he has to borrow MY fucking lawn mower?

Filed under: humor, personal on July 27th, 2008