(Blog)

I used to be a cash-only type. It was only after being nagged by my parents and others on the importance of building one’s credit that I finally gave in and submitted myself to the slavery of participating in the Satanic control grid of international finance by signing up for a credit card. Recently, I opened an account with Bank of America and got their credit card because of an offer for $35. I felt that if I were to take this leap into the abyss, I might as well get a few dollars in return, which I could use to buy coffee at an international coffee chain, further enmeshing myself within this cruel globalist hellscape. Now, I find in the midst of the paperwork for a mortgage loan I’m going to get, I need to have yet another credit card.

I settled on the Chase PerfectCard because it gives me some money back on types of expenses I am likely to make, such as fueling, rather than offering “rewards” such as frequent flyer miles (I’ve never flown and cannot imagine when I will). I treat every credit card deal as a scam, perhaps just a notch or two more credible than your average Nigerian e-mail, so I make sure to read the fine print. The smaller the type, the more carefully I read. In this case:

To help the government fight the funding of terrorism and money laundering activities, Federal law requires all financial institutions to obtain, verify, and record information that identifies each person who opens an account.

Presumably that’s the (in)famous USA PATRIOT Act at work there. In the old days, credit card companies took down your personal information and ran credit checks because they wanted to make sure you could pay your bills. Now, they’re doing it to make sure you aren’t planning to use the card to buy terror gear at your local terrorist supply company.

You agree that we may share personal and account information about you with our affiliates for the purpose of marketing to you their products and services, including banking, insurance and investment products.

Once they’ve collected your personal information and made sure that you’re not a terrorist, they’re going to send it off to their affiliates so that you can receive more junk mail. Here, I’m waiving my right to not receive junk mail. Trees are being cut for this nonsense, and I am complicit.

The Cardmember Agreement contains a binding arbitration provision which may affect your rights to go to court, including your right to a jury trial or your right to participate in a class action or similar proceeding.

And here, I’m waiving my right to join a class-action lawsuit against Chase, should the need ever arise. When I agree to settle any disputes through arbitration. You’d be surprised how many times you sign away your right to sue a large company without knowing it. Many license agreements have an arbitration clause.

No annual fee first year. Thereafter, the $19 annual fee will be waived if at least nine (9) purchase transactions were made in the prior year.

And here, I am agreeing to become an indentured servant for one hour per year in order to eschew the $19 annual fee. If I buy nine $1 burritos at Taco Bell during the year in order to meet the requirement, that amounts to about what I am paid for an hour of work. Most credit cards have no annual fee, and they make sure to make a big deal about this fact. Except, it’s not a fact. If I don’t use my card enough, that annual fee magically manifests itself into being.

Nothing I read about this credit card screamed “deal breaker”, so I sent in my application. I’m just glad to know that I have to use this card at least nine times this year to waive the supposedly nonexistent annual fee. I’m not a terrorist or criminal, I’m not planning on suing anyone, and my personal information (like yours, like everyone’s) is already bought and sold constantly.

Just remember to read the fine print, folks.