Day Ninety Four | 1999-2009

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

I’m spent.

All I ate all day today was a veggie burger, and I’ve been doing coding work and listening to drum and bass so long that my head is spinning. I just got off the phone with one of my few friends, and she could hear the haggard, defeated person I am in my voice.

The little freelance work I’ve been doing, I haven’t been paid for yet, because the guy I’m working for hasn’t gotten paid yet, because the clients aren’t doing so well, naturally, because of the recession. So, I’m working for money that I don’t know when I will get, and I’ve got enough cash to pay this month’s mortgage. Then, I’m officially out of money. Getting my portfolio finished has never been as important as it is now.

This June it will have been ten years since I graduated high school, and even if I wanted to go (and I definitely don’t), right now I can’t even afford the tickets to my 10-year reunion. It’s definitely nowhere near where I thought I’d be in life when I was 18 and just beginning to piss all over my potential.

I’m 28, I own the bank owns my home me, I’m dead broke, without a real job, still trying to finish a Bachelors degree, farther from getting hitched getting laid than I’ve ever been in my life, and I haven’t made any sort of dent in this world. Were I an F-student fucking around and smoking weed all day (like the people I ended up hanging out with a few years after high school), the state I’m in wouldn’t be entirely unimaginable at 18. But, I was always beyond the top 1% in everything I ever did, I was one of the elite nerds with the towering IQs and GPAs and SAT scores and I sacrificed my entire social life for my studies, and…

And here I am, ten years later, and spent.