Archive for the ‘humor’ Category
Tuesday, August 20th, 2013
One time (right now) I read this article about some guy giving a college graduation speech. It’s this speech. And then I rewrote it as my own speech, which I prefer better, because I’m young and selfish, just like the guy giving the original speech expects me to be.
What are old people good for, besides ridicule? Tales of regret.
Once, I was poor, and it was awful; once, I worked at a slaughterhouse, and it wasn’t. I’ve imbibed poop-water in a distant land, and shot a hockey puck at a girl I fancied. Once, a mousey nervous-hair-chewing new girl came to town, and moved away, and I was kind of kind to her when she was around, though mostly she wasn’t; that’s because I was selfish. Everyone thinks they’re the invincible lead in their own story within a greater world; it’s not that we don’t care, we just can’t see outside our stories.
It makes being kind tough, but as we get older, our reflexes dull and we can’t play FPS games anymore, so instead we play casual Facebook games, and we learn to slow down, and be less selfish, and give our money to Gameloft, and Zynga, and others. We realize through endless microtransactions that we’re more of a minor cog in the machine than the lead of the story.
And like that, life grinds you down into dust, but it’s like fairy dust. And if you have kids, you sprinkle them with it. Many of you have decades of the stuff on you, and inside you; you’re breathing it in right now, your parents’ lives.
I’d say “don’t be a dick”, but some Trekkie already made that speech, so I’ll just say this: In 80 years or so, I’ll be 134 with robot legs and laser eyes and a lot of cats, and hopefully some of you will have come to the same realizations I have and become kind, and when you are as kind as the Element of Kindness, and we’re all living in space, drop me a line, and I’ll say “I told you so”, and we can arm-wrestle with our cybernetic future arms and toss back a space brew or seven. Cheers.
Wednesday, January 26th, 2011
Upon reading this article on the predictability of year-end top 10 lists, I decided to make my own. Because someone called-out Pitchfork (and me) for being as predictable as the year-end top 10 lists referred to in that article.
10. Any self-respecting egoitst music critic is going to pick his/her personal favorite as #1. Also, Mumford & Suns is a hipster Dave Matthews Band, and fuck them. There I said it.
9. If the author didn’t understand Four Tet’s latest record, then there is little hope for him as a music critic, because it’s not dense. He’s dense.
8. This is America, and it’s OK to hate on other countries (ironically, of course). So, fuck foreign records. Exception: British bands. Because we speak their language.
7. What an amateur. Any self-respecting hipster music critic will not include any breakout successes. Rather, they will deride the bands’ rise to the top and declare them to be uncool sell-outs. “Arcade Fire? Yeah, they used to be cool, back when they were unknown and in that one Apple commercial.”
6. Obama is president. Hipsters don’t have to go on pretending to like hip-hop anymore. It’s a post-racial world.
5. The old-timer records belong further down the list because they’re only even on the list for irony’s sake. Everybody knows a good hipster has no sense of history. What’s history? Huh? Fuck history, that’s what.
4. Yes, Kanye West does deserve his own spot, despite hip-hop having no place on a modern hipster music critic’s top 10 list. Because Kanye transcends hip-hop. His beautiful dark twisted fantasy is our beautiful dark twisted fantasy. He speaks to us. He understands us.
3. This is the slot for the obvious sub-mainstream hit, actually, the one that almost made it, but didn’t. Because bands who almost sell-out but have to lick their wounds and come crawling back to college radio are the best. Oh, MGMT, it’s nice to have you back.
2. This is the spot for whichever album everyone else chose as #1, obviously. Let’s call this spot “Your Favorite Record is Only my #2 Pick”.
1. And finally, a good hipster music critic is going to put his/her personal favorite here. This is for the album that he/she either a) lost his/her virginity to, b) listened to the most while being high, c) listened to while sitting on the hood of a car looking at the night sky and musing or just pretending to be in a John Hughes movie or something. For example: 2008–M83, 2009–Animal Collective, and 2010–Beach House.
Friday, March 6th, 2009
Doesn’t sound like a very fun fact to me…. I had some friends come up from Miami last night; they were on the way up to a music festival out in St. Augustine. A music festival I was going to attend, before my financial situation blew up in my face—thanks, shit economy!—and drained my cash reserves.
Still, it was nice to have an evening with friends. I don’t miss people often, but I missed my librarian friend from Miami, despite chatting with her daily. We all had breakfast at a chain called First Watch, and I thought this sign was pretty funny.
Thursday, February 26th, 2009
I have just encountered the only chain-anything I’ve ever encountered that seemed remotely interesting. In it, you grab the first random Wikipedia article you get, the last four or five words of the last quote on the page of random quotes, and the third image you get on Flickr’s Explore. Those are, respectively, your band name, album title, and album cover.
And this was mine.
Oh, Wally Clune, we hardly knew ye!
Saturday, January 31st, 2009
Day Twenty. I shot this from IKEA, and this is my first non-DSLR on-the-go shot in this series. Sadly, I just didn’t have the balls to walk into a store armed with a big ass attention-drawing camera.
If you look closely, you can see what appears to be a stick-figure mom tossing her stick-figure child into the garbage. And it kind of made my day.
I was at IKEA picking up a rug to go in my newly remodeled room, and damn, it goes well with that new wood flooring! It’s been a good Saturday, and I forsee the rest of the weekend going about as well.
Oh, and I wrote this whole post on my T-Mobile G1, too. Quickly. Can’t do that with your usual on-screen keyboard….
Monday, November 17th, 2008
Obviously we know by now that the internet has changed the way we communicate. Well, those of us who understand that evolution and man-made global warming are real, at any rate. So, a few friends and myself started a sort of status message chain with our AIM status messages about a certain inside catch-phrase “womp womp”. Enjoy.
Nick: womp womp
David: I refuse to womp womp. Not only is it not in my right to do so, it annoys me.
Lisa: David, my response to your away msg sir is a big “womp womp”. It’s appropriate and agitating, perfect.
Aileen: Only people allowed to say “womp womp”: Lisa, Kate, Fonz, Michelle. They don’t absuse it. Thanks, bahahahaha.
Me: I’m exercising my right to say “womp womp”.
Kate: You gotta fight for your right to wooooooomp!
Sunday, October 26th, 2008
Or maybe it’s supposed to be inspirational. Either way, a few clicks deep into this HIV spin on the HotOrNot meme called PosOrNot and I was laughing riotously. Thanks to this guy:
The quote accompanying this guy’s image—yes, he was HIV+—was this:
“I was 17 years old and it was 1984. It was part of a routine physical”.
That line is better than 95% of the sentence-long stories on Onesentence.org. By far. And yes, I choose to believe this was a story about how he got HIV, not how he learned that he had it.
Friday, September 12th, 2008
I love it when I find unintentional robot faces in things. If you’re not sure what they are, think of your average three-pronged electrical outlet. Here are two examples I found from Target:
Thursday, August 21st, 2008
Next time you get a message from someone you don’t recognize with the word “trout” in their name, expect to be confused while confusing a third-party. See, there’s a flood of AIM bots running around lately.
What these bots do is troll for AIM screennames, then send apparently send a message to a random AIM user from its list. When this user responds, it sends that response to another random AIM user from its list. Neither “victim” will see the screenname of the other person—each will think they are talking to one of the trout screennames. Much confusion or anger will then ensue. And then people will post memorable conversations on LiveJournal.
So, what was my conversation like? Once I realized this was not a person I know, I started telling them to fuck off and blocked them. Perhaps I was impolite.
P.S. If you think this whole “trout” thing is more annoying than humorous, you can send the code
$optout to opt-out of communications with them.